Homophobics and Leviticus
  by William Edelen

Don't you just love the homophobics, the bigots and clowns of the Christian Coalition and the fundamentalists? "The Bible is God's word," they yell at us. "The Bible is true…every word…said by God himself…and we live by that book, yes sir, we live by it…and what it says, we do…" "And it says, right here in Leviticus 18:22 that "you shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an abomination.'" Now, if we live by that archaic, ignorant and superstitious book, just look who else is going to hell! Ah, what fun! Practically all of the Republican leaders in Washington, that's who. "And God said…you shall not marry a woman divorced from her husband." (21:7) Hey boy…how I love that Bible. There goes Reagan, Dole, Gingrich, Buchanan and all those other big shot Republicans who have broken God's law and married divorced women. They gonna burn in hell boy.

Hey, boy, the fun and games have just started. Look at Leviticus 20:10. "If a man commits adultery, both the adulterer and adulteress shall be put to death." There goes almost everyone in Washington, D.C., and the Pentagon and Sacramento…all burning in hell. My…what a show. Yes sir boy, that Bible is right on as to who's going to burn…and it's damn near everyone you see by the time you finish God's list.

You ranchers and farmers have had it. Like I mean, HAD IT. Leviticus 19:19 orders that "you shall not let your cattle breed with a different kind." Hot dawg, how I love that God…he tells those farmers and ranchers…Now Claude…I saw you cross breeding them Charolais and Angus. And those white faced Herefords you crossing with Longhorns. Hot damn Claude…boy…you are burning in hell forever and ever…hey Claude how could you have missed God's order?

And what's next in God's orders? Oh my…my oh my. All the clothing stores, fabric shops, clothing designers, all heading for hell…oh my…tears flood my eyes. Leviticus 19:19 orders us as follows: "You shall never wear a garment of cloth made of two kinds of materials." But hey, God, I got shirts and suits and jackets of linen and wool, linen and cotton, silk and wool, polyester and cotton…and oh all those nice people burning in hell for breaking this law of God's. How much more can we take? What, you mean we have barely started as to who's gonna burn and who ain't? What a sense of humor he has, that God. (I say "he," for [surely] no Goddess would issue such a list of crank commands.)

You farmers have had it, man. Read this: "You shall not sow your field with two different kinds of seed." (19:19) There goes that mixed seed for hybrid corn, all you corn farmers. Whoever planted those beautiful fields of alfalfa and clover are gonna burn, burn like in hell.

Hey, Nancy Reagan, are you paying attention to God's word like you did to the astrologers? There it is ole Nancy, in Leviticus 19:31: "Do not turn to mediums, or seek them out, to be defiled by them." Oh Nancy, how could you?

And hey, before I run out of space, here's a great one for your smart aleck kids, sports fans. If they sass you, or give you any lip, why, KILL 'EM. Forget all that weak stuff like grounding them or cutting their allowance, just kill them. That God was the original Judge Roy Bean (Lev. 20:9).

All you Pat Robertson Christian Coalition phonies, if you say Leviticus is God's word on gays and lesbians, then the entire book is God's word, so live it. Walk the talk.


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