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None of Your Ms-ness
by Marsha Abelman
| When I married in 1967, a lot of important things were happening in the feminist world. They just weren't happening in my part of the country. So, while I gained a wonderful husband, I lost a listing in the phone book when I changed my last name. Any high school or college friends who wanted to find me after 1967 but didn't know who I married were just out of luck. I was now a "Mrs." somebody - what was his name? - wasn't it something like "Appleton?" |
Well, the years passed and people either found me as "Mrs. Abelman" or just said "to heck with it" and couldn't send me an invitation to their own weddings. When I heard "Mrs. Abelman" I didn't look around for my mother-in-law. I feel as much attachment to the Abelman ancestors as I do to those of my "maiden name." I've made my peace with the difficulty of married last names. |
But the "ah ha!" moment I had when I read "The Second Sex" by Simone de Beauvoir, has never left me. Women have gotten the short end of the stick throughout history. It doesn't matter how many well-meaning people try to explain that woman's "place" is "not inferior, just different," societies still place onerous restrictions on women that just don't exist for men. |
In America today, women probably have the best chances that have ever existed to be free and equal to men. However, true equality is yet to be accomplished. We still have disparity between genders in pay, there are still laws restricting women's sovereignty over their own bodies and women are still addressed by their relationship to men. |
Yes, I'm talking about that strangely controversial title of address, "Ms." I still remember the zing of enthusiasm I felt when I heard about this "new" equalizing title. Like many people I wrongly thought it was an invention of the feminist movement in the 60s. I soon read that as early as 1848, Elizabeth Cady Stanton encouraged women to abandon both "Miss" and "Mrs." and use only first and last names. A language reformer in 1912 proposed two new titles to indicate married and unmarried status for men. Business college textbooks in the 20s and 30s suggested using the title "Ms." Many people have recognized the inappropriateness of emphasizing a woman's marital status but not a man's. |
And yet it continues. Recently I discussed this with a very nice friend who sees absolutely no reason to eliminate "Mrs." He said his wife views her "Mrs." status as an honor. That reminded me of some teenagers I knew. They asked if I was "Mrs." or "Miss," and when I said "Ms.," they asked," Aren't you PROUD to be married, Miz Abelman?" My reply was, "I'm not ASHAMED to be married, but I'm not particularly PROUD. It's no accomplishment to get married - anyone can do it! So, unless you're asking me out on a date, you don't need to know whether I'm married or not!" I got a laugh, but I hope I made a point they remember. |
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