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But Wait, There's More!
by Groff Schroeder
| No matter what you think about the existence of god or the possibility thereof, you have to admit that the folks who make their living from religion have a good product. What is the old saying? If something appears too good to be true -- perhaps it is? |
Think of it. Donuts, coffee, a reason to get dressed up, instant friends, eternal life, repeated forgiveness for even the most horrific crimes; all for a small weekly cash payment. |
Coffee contains caffeine, a strong and potentially lethal stimulant that is perfectly legal. While you are drinking it you can agree with all your new friends about the dangers of drug use. But if you are a Native American you can forget about those ancient peyote ceremonies from the dawn of time: God frowns on drug use. Some observers of religion have called religion itself an opiate. |
Donuts are often rich in saturated fats, which can lead to coronary artery disease, but that is not a problem because with God, you can live forever. Wow! It could happen. And hanging out in a place where the streets are paved with gold? Talk about priceless. There's probably a waiting list to get on the street-cleaning staff in heaven. Maybe God takes care of that himself, to prevent back injuries. |
But wait, there's more! How much would you pay for complete forgiveness of even the most heinous of crimes? Fifty dollars? One hundred? A thousand dollars or more? If you join our weekly payment plan now you can have all this, for just ten percent of your annual income. Yes, even serial murder can be forgiven in an instant, by simply believing. |
Think of it. The shoplifting when you were 14. The drug dealing into your 30's. Beating your first wife senseless. That "accident" that happened to your heavily insured business partner. The tipsy little hit and run after the campaign victory party. The campaign. Forgiven. Wiped clean. Forever! |
You pay more than that in taxes -- and all you get is personal freedom, emergency services, food safety, roads, defense, unemployment insurance (of course you would never take it even if you needed it), scientific research, a space program (oops -- wrong product). |
But wait, there's more! Under our religious plan you not only get forgiven once -- but every week. No more pesky guilt about shortchanging those customers. Forget the petty oppression of culpability forever. Join now. |
Other religions don't have their facts straight. With us, you are guaranteed special consideration at the pearly gates. All you need is faith. |
Imagine surrendering your cares to a world in which everything bad that happens is "evil" at work, releasing you from painful and sometimes embarrassing personal responsibility. And when you leave everything up to God in prayer, you don't have to actually lift a finger to make "good" things happen. |
But wait, there's more! If you join this self-anointed circle of blind faith, you also get a personal relationship with the Big Man himself -- an all-seeing, all-powerful, miraculous being who is ready, willing and able to alter the space time continuum for the entire universe to meet your smallest whim. If you join our weekly payment plan today. Don't delay. Call now! |
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Or write to us at:
Freethinkers of Colorado Springs
P.O. Box 62946
Colorado Springs, CO 80962-2946
Phone: 719-594-4506